Please Pardon my recapping of events from the last week, I think I decided to start this blog a little late, so things may feel a bit disjointed until I get caught up in my own brain. Anyhow...
Friday, late afternoon after speaking with Sensei Meido, I decided to head to Shinjinkai to observe a couple of classes and take part in the en meditation introduction. I figured it can't hurt to try all the bits and pieces of this new system before I dive in headlong. The time came when I need to head out and get myself to the dojo. I was full of energy, my tail wagging, and I was soaring as I prepared myself to go. I know it may seem mundane, but I took a bath in a very ritualistic way that I have been for many years to try and rid myself of old 'energies' and I don't know, maybe to try and help me break old cycles and move onto a new groove of my record.
I bustled about the house put on my coat turned to go grab my phone and a water bottled and... CRACK!!!!! A white flash in my minds eye and I found myself lying on the ground in my apartment with a very familiar pain shrieking from my ankle.
REALLY, 'D'? REALLY!!!!??? You sprain your freaking ankle right before you head off to your new path??? Son... of a... *sigh* I let the pain rush through me as I knew there was no fighting it. I actually felt the bones on the side of my ankle touch the floor, so this was a bad one. So bad in fact that over a week later I am STILL hurting from it. *sigh* Finally the pain seemed to be at its peak and starting to subside. I took several deep breaths, while cursing myself for not paying attention to my feet. I KNOW BETTER. Every fraking time I stop paying attention to what my feet are doing I roll my stupid ankle.
After a number of deep breaths and trying to fight the pain I had a choice to make. Do I call it off and rest my ankle until I am strong enough to go again? Or... do I man up, banish the pain, and press on. I decided NOTHING was going to stop me from this new path. So I pushed the pain down deep, stood up, took the stairs down to the ground floor and found myself to the 'L'. To get to Shinjinkai, I need to take the Red Line down to Belmont and then hop onto the Brown Line headed the other way and get off at Addison.
While I stood on the Belmont platform waiting for the Brown Line the universe decided to reward me for my efforts. There was an amazing sunset. Full of color, vibrant, almost like a painting in the sky with the soft edges of the clouds like brush strokes from hand of the creator. Now I know most people would not put any meaning to this save, 'Oh hey, look at the pretty sunset.' I truly felt as though I was being guided and rewarded for finding my truth path once again. I will save the philosophical musings for the time being, but I cannot deny how well everything fell into place after the painful bit. Funny how that happens isn't it? To quote the Grateful Dead,'Sometimes you get shown the Light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.'
As I rode the Brown Line headed back North I start to get nervous, excited, and even a little light headed as all the possibilities swirled in front of me. I sadly, mistimed my travel so I was late for the Aikido class. BOO!!! I think ultimately it was for the best as with a fresh injury I was not going to be able to participate well in a physical activity. I found the building, walked into the foyer, took off my shoes, and entered the dojo proper.
My first impressions of the dojo... There was a slight linger of incense on the air. Very faint almost imperceptible. Two large pillars of wood created the feel of an sacred space against the off white of the mats. The back wall on the 'stage right' side stood racks of Jo(Short staves), Bokken(Wooden Katans), Shinais(Bamboo Swords meant to be used in Kendo), and Tanto (Knives). At the bottom of the weapons rack sit several large items that I am not sure the purpose of that looked much like clubs. I am assuming these are for strength training or speed traning or some such, I suppose I will find out in due time. The other end of the wall are several paintings and a wooden wall sculpture. there are also calligraphy painting of things I do not yet understand. All things in due time. The student all dressed in white Gi's knelt very precisely on a line while Sensei dressed in a white gi with a black hakama instructed very firmly. I tried to enter the space as quietly and as imperceptably as I could. I was almost successful. It seemed that one of the senior students turned and shot a look at me. I found myself to the closest bench. Then I sat quietly and observed. I watched the AIkido class as well as the Internal Training class as I thought it would be rude to jump in without being invited.
That first hour or so of observation I picked up as much as I could in the way students respond to sensei, and tried to get a feel for how i should expect to react and move once I take to the space. After those two classes sensei came to greet me. He shook my hand and welcomed me heartily. The thing I picked up about Sensei first off was this very profound sense of harmony with his enviroment that covered something underneath that you could only see in his eyes. After welcoming me he called on of the obviously senior students over and instructed him to give me a brief introduction to meditation.
Now begins the real meat of my tale. While I was making introductions there was a bustle about the dojo. The students all moved very swiftly to change the dojo space over to a Zen Bhuddist temple. I have to say, I think most show crews would be jealous at how efficiently everyone moved. If we could all adopt the devotion and commitment to efficiency these students have our show changeovers would be a snap. I think I shall hold that thought for a while.
My quick instructions were to approach the mat, grab four small cushions and hold them under my right arm, put my palms together in front of me as though I was to pray. I bowed once as I stepped onto the mat and the senior student guided me to the cushions closest to him and invited me to sit. By the time I arrived in my seat the other 4 students that were to take part in the meditation were already seated with their legs folded under and assuming to proper meditation position.
I was given some very simple instructions. First how to fold my legs properly. Ouch. Dustin's knees are NOT a fan of this. Sempi (for a lack of a better name right now) grinned and assured me that it would get easier over time. The way to sit is much like 'Indian Style' that we all learned in grade school except your left foot touches your groin and your knee is flat on the ground and your right left folds in as tights as possible. I noticed the more advanced student actually put their right foot up on their left knee. I am NOT that flexible currently. He said its okay. The next bit of instruction I was give was about posture. I will tell you I have had this EXACT instruction from many teachers including acting teachers, movement teachers, etc. Pretend there is a small hook on the top center of your head and there is a string attached to it and pulling straight up. Yeah... first revelation of this training... My posture SUCKS! I was told VERY clearly, this will be uncomfortable. That discomfort may lessen over time but will not go away completely and I should use that. I should use and direct that tension, that uncomfortablilty, any issues from the day, and anything else I have to focus my intention on the meditation itself. Use this. I will tell you I felt very much like I was in an acting class again.
Sempi then instructed me in belly breathing (i sort of already knew this, but it is always good to be reminded) and then about my first meditative technique. For this technique, you want to breath slowly (if I were doing musical counts it was 4 counts in 4 counts out) and count. Each breath is to be one long count. If you get to 10 then your start back at 1. Repeat. Sounds simple enough, right? HA! Here's the kicker. Sempei says, when your thoughts start to drift to your shopping list or the troubles of the day, or whatever, you start back at one... Again easy enough to start with.
Now the meditation starts with one clack of what he called simply enough clackers and the ring of the bell. As soon as you hear the bell ring we begin. One thing I noticed, he let the bell ring out completely. The bell was a beautiful clear and pure note it was almost relieving to let it ring completely out. Then I was left alone with my thoughts. In breath, Out 1. 2. I wonder if I am doing this right... CRAP!!! 1....2... its so quiet in here, man it sounds like there is a heard of baby elephants running around upstairs, CRAP!!! 1... My foot is starting to tingle, oh man its falling asleep... 1... 2... Basically, the next indeterminate period of time was an exercise in counting to 2 and on occasion 3. The bell rings and CLACK CLACK. A soft voice, if you need to turn and stretch your legs for a moment please do so. PINS AND NEEDLES!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! CLACK! RIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg.... Back to being alone with myself. 1... 2... Man this really hurts...CRAP! 1... Grrrr CRAP!!! 1... Rinse and repeat. This time my knees began to ache, my breath started to stutter a bit ( I am not wholly sure why) and I began to get antsy. Finally... RING, CLACK CLACK. Turn and stretch if you need to. One thing I noticed here though. The student on the other side of the room, didn't move a muscle. I almost think the breaks were just for me.
CLACK CLACK CLACK RRRRRrrrrrriiiiinnnnngggg...
Back into the little world inside my mind. Ya know something... My brain is a REALLY noisy place. My knees really began to ache pin and needles everywhere, my back is starting to ache, and I am beginning to get frustrated wiht my inability to focus and get past 2.. After a number of random thoughts CLACK CLACK. 'Now you may take the oppurtunity to to speak with Roshi. Everyone is invited to do this. You may ask question wish whether it be about your training or some other question burning in your mind.' We all lined up in front of a different bell. The first student in line rings the bell twice and runs to a little door on the back of the dojo. They bow all the way to placing thier head to the ground, enter and shut the door behind them. After some time you hear from inside the room a tinkle of small bells much like a shop keeper's door, and the student emerges. Then next person in line rings the bell twice runs to the door and bows... this is repeated until I am the last in line. I ring the bell twice, run to the door, bow my head to the floor, enter to see sensei sitting there in very different clothing, very regal. Much like scholars of old. The room is barely bigger than 4' by 8'. there is a small shelf with several adroments, two small candles are the only light, and again incense hangs delicatly in the air to remind us were are in a sacred space, using a sacred time, to learn, grow, and have all the mysteries of the universe unveiled to us in time... or just because it smells nice. On the floor are two black VERY well defined lines to create almost I neutral zone between Roshi and I. Now I am not sure how much I am supposed to speak on my time with Roshi. It seems to me this time is very personal, it has pangs of Catholic confession, or a confidential meeting where very personal things are discussed. I am not wholly sure. It almost feels as though it is like the old wives tales about making wishes and you are not supposed to tell your wish otherwise it won't come true... I am not really sure how accurate I am in this observation. I shall have to ask about these things later. For now, I will share my first experience as it is very profound in my mind and I think will shape my trianing for a long time to come. As I sat, Sensei said nothing but looked at me with almost a grin. 'So...what's next for me?' I asked.
Now the conversation that followed was very interesting to me. Sensei actually answered my question with a question...'Why did you come here? Why did you choose us and to begin training?'
I answered as earnestly as I could. 'Some time ago I went through a tremendous dark period and I am at a point in my life where I need to get my head back in order, to learn to focus, and I need to help myself get back into a shape I feel good about.' Sensei just grinned and responded to me, 'First Dustin, you are already one step ahead in realizing that only you can make these changes and I must applaud you for that. Most people count on someone else to do it for them and that not how it works.' I also made mention that I felt like my brain was very noisy and that I was having a VERY difficult time clearing my mind and gaining that focus. Sensei or in this context Roshi then sadi something to me that I will always remember,' Don't worry so much about the times when your mind wanders. Everyone's mind wanders. The finding of clarity or that blankness of the mind is NOT the important part. What is important are those moments when you recognize that you have drifted and bring yourself back to the task at hand. That recognition is most important.' We talked for quite some time and touched a couple various topics. The long of the short of it is that Sensei gave me homework in that I should try to meditate at least 15 minutes each day. Or as he says, try to have a sit. He said I could do this in a chair if I like or laying in bed, but really it would be best if I got a cushion and sat on the floor. We ended on a very high note for me and he rang the little tree of bells. I bowed and left. I returned to the meditation for the final bit.
While the rest of the students cleaned up the space Sensei invited me to sit and speak with him more directly. We sat at the table near the entrance to the dojo and he made it very clear I should sit comfortably as this was now informal.
We talked a bit about what I experience and observed. I was invited to come back and partake in the full Aikido class so I could get a better sense of how things work in the space, etc. He recommended that I start to cut out red meat of my diet and reminded me I should try and sit for 15 minutes a day... I sense a recurring theme. I left the dojo after thanking everyone for their time and headed home to reflect on my time...
What a day.
Ultimately i gained a couple things throughout the day. One, a truer sense of how to meditate. Two, I need to keep making these changes to realize the concept of the person I want to be or feel I should be. Three, I have a long hard road ahead of me. Four, my mind is REALLY REALLY noisy. Five, everything comes in its own time. I should not rush.
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